Who's In Charge?

Yesterday I had a burr under my saddle. Across the street a jack-hammer ran all day, breaking up a patio. My home is generally silent through the day, no radio, no tv, just the monkey chatter in my mind that attempts to entertain, agitate or incite. The monkeys were pissed about the incessant banging of the jack-hammer upon their playing field in my mind. Wearied of the banging and the monkeys' reflexive chatter, I finally turned on the tv to distract myself and became mesmerized by a wedding ceremony. It was a lovely diversion.

The jack-hammer was still diligently working away when I took Bo out for his p.m. walk. The monkeys fiercely chattered about the noise level and the dust in the air, and the body coughed in agreement. Both the noise level of the jack-hammer and the monkeys diminished the farther down the street Bo and I went. Bo did his thing and we turned for home.

The hammering vibrated all around me and the monkeys screeched in protest as we drew near. But as we walked past the work site, the jack-hammer suddenly ceased. I turned my head to see a dust covered man supporting the huge jack-hammer with one hand while he bent backwards and rubbed his spine with the other. As he straightened again, he turned his head and our eyes met. Automatically, my arm raised and waved. His arm reciprocated.

Instantly, I was flooded with Love from somewhere. Love for the dust-caked man, and great compassion for his selfless willingness to ride a jack-hammer all day to provide for his family. Tears welled in my eyes at his beauty.

Today, the jack-hammer runs again. It has no jarring effect on me. The monkeys are silent. All I am aware of is how much I love the man who rides it. I am so grateful.

And I notice that my gratitude expands, encompassing the man and so much more. It includes all of you whom I've invited to share my journey. Without this blog would I have realized what transpired here? Possibly not.

The Course calls it a Holy Instant, when the world is seen through the loving eyes of Jesus rather than the ego's monkey eyes. I was not aware of making the choice for Jesus yesterday, but am ever so grateful that at some level I obviously did. The sweet result is nearly indescribable. I can almost imagine the deliciousness of living an endless string of Holy Instants... a string of invaluable pearls that transform into a life lived in the Real World, where all that exists is the awareness of Love. How sweet is that!

peace

Looking At Death

Hugging my friend, the only words that could come from my mouth naturally were, "I'm so sorry." The pain was visible on her face as she said, "I'm not handling this very well." My reply: "Who would?" We embraced, standing among the others who had also come to express their condolences at the funeral home. My friend's son died unexpectedly last weekend.

Contemplating my friend's loss, I have been sad all day. The "whys" are incessant. Why my friend's son? Why the young and vibrant when there are other's begging to die? Why am I so sad when I don't even know the young man? Why? Why? Why? Why, a fool's question that leads to a number of theories, none of which really bring any peace. So what if I ask a different question, "What is it for?"

What is death for, anybody's death?

Death is the trump card of deception, used to prove to me that I am a body. It is very difficult to claim my spiritual identity when the heart feels as if it has been ripped from the chest. But does that emotional pain prove that I am a body? No, it simply proves that I am emotionally attached to the body, attached because there seems to be a part of me that believes I am the body, and therefore, believes that my loved ones are also bodies.

And is that true, when the body is gone, the Being is gone? No, not true. My loved one is certainly not gone from my heart and mind, in fact, will always live in my heart and mind. Admittedly, I can not think of my loved one without recalling the physical image. But on the other hand, I can look at that same physical image, lying in a casket, and KNOW that the Being I love is NOT there. S/He is not there!

The physical image is nothing without the Being to animate it. There is nothing within me that confirms a body is necessary for me to exist, or that a physical body is necessary for you to exist. We do not exist because of our bodies. We exist because of our Source. And our Source is not a body.

I love the beginning of THE PROPHET by Kahlil Gibran. And as I hold these words in my mind through the following weeks, may my friend be comforted by them, for we share the same mind:

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itSelf. They come through you, but not from you. And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.... You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.... Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for gladness.... For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."

As for me,
I choose to love because it is my nature to love.
I choose to love my human experience, but not be confused by it.
I choose to remember that I am not a body, nor are you.
I choose to love you in or out of a body.
I choose to remember that our love is eternal.
I choose to remember that Love is Who we are, regardless of behavior.
I choose to remember all this for you, in your moments of forgetfulness.
Will you choose the same for me?


peace always

Believe in God?

I met a man last week who volunteered the information that he is an atheist. Being from Bible-belt country, I admired his openness. He said he didn't believe in God, the big Guy with flowing white beard sitting in a rocking chair or throne somewhere up in the far away sky. Neither do I, does that make me an atheist?

If I were asked, "Do you believe in God?" What would be my response? "Yes" seems to be a totally inadequate answer. It's like answering "Yes" to, "Do you believe in gravity?" It seems to me that there is something beyond belief... Knowing. Knowing comes from experience, although it is quite possible to be mistaken about the meaning of an experience.

What is the ONLY thing I can know with absolute certainty? I exist. But the "I" referred to is not the image that I see in the mirror, or that you see with your eyes. In a mirror or with the naked eye, both are images, temporary images. Everything in this world, including the world itself, the universe even, is a temporary image... the multifaceted image of the "I."

Yes, "I" exist. Every conceivable, changing image that "I" can imagine proves to me that "I" exist. And for a moment, "I" was so dazzled by my own prolific imagination that I forgot that the images were just that, images, images of Me.

"I" am the image maker, but only when I am goofing off, projecting images with Zeus-like precision, hurling images as if lightening bolts hither and yon... yaaawwn!!! For such antics would surely be boring if it were not for the fact that the images carry a residue of consciousness. Admittedly the images can be entertaining, mesmerizing even. But how long will "I" choose to witness the kaleidoscopic display, before its pointlessness and repetitiveness become apparent and tedious? How long before "I" choose to lay aside the toys of projection and return to real Creativity by extending my eternal, limitless Self? Watch and see!

Yes, stay alert... watch and see! Watch and see how Love ends Its favorite game: Projections. The game that began with awe will end the same way, in loving awe. Watch and see!

Is there a God? Watch and see the Love of God reveal it Self in images of the love, the peace, and the certainty of Knowledge, the Knowledge that transcends belief. Stay alert... watch and see. "I" will. "I" am.

An Old Issue

The Course says, "You're never upset for the reason you think." I became upset today, and through it realized that my upset had three levels of "reality": 1-the level of the experience or physical level, 2-the level of what was going on within me or the mental-emotional level, and 3-the level of metaphysics or the spiritual level. Traveling through these three levels is a journey I make with every challenge I encounter.

The event: I went to see Sioux today. She was waiting at the gate and whinnied when I approached. My assumption was that she was waiting for someone to feed her, although feeding time was long past. To get her out of her pasture, I had to lead her through another mare's lot, and that went well. While she was eating the grain I had brought, I groomed her, and then started to take her back to her pasture. Going through the mare's lot again, I realized by Sioux's excited behavior when the mare approached that Sioux was in heat. [Ah-ha! That was why she had been waiting at the gate.] When I chased the mare away, Sioux became agitated with my holding her back and gave a side kick, connecting with my upper right thigh. I did not realize I was even in her kicking range so was totally taken by surprise. Reflexively, I whacked her on the neck with the lead rope which did little more than get her attention. We continued on to her gate, and getting her back into her pasture went smoothly.

Later, as I was driving home and the stinging of my thigh had subsided, the surprise began to give way to anger. Did she intend to kick me or was it just a reflex? No, she was aiming for me. With that realization came a hot flash... the kind of hot flash I'd seen in my dad when he lost control with the livestock... the kind of hot flash which would fuel some cruel and scary behavior.

In that moment, I understood him at a cellular level like I'd never before. I understood his need to feel in control of the animals, to be safe... the need to have boundaries respected, by fear if necessary. That was what I had wanted too, to regain control, by whatever means necessary.

But what does that need for control represent? When I am still, and allow the inner Light to clear my mind, I see that control issues are all the same... safety issues. The bottom line is survival. It's my bottom line just as it was my dad's bottom line. But is that the truth? Can survival be at risk?

The physical body's survival isn't at risk, it's doomed. Every one of them is going to die, sooner or later. The good news is that neither my dad, nor I, nor you, nor the ones we love are physical bodies. What we truly are cannot be threatened by anything. What we are is invulnerable. As expressions of Spirit/Love, we must also be Spirit/Love.

A kick on the leg or a kick in the butt, it's a wake up call for me. Stop thinking of myself and others as being bodies. We're Spirit. We're One Spirit having this holographic experience. And I am remembering that... every time I don't react, every time I forgive or understand rather than judge, and every time I look for the bigger meaning. All of these are expressions of love. And that is how I remember we are Love, by living It. Peace.

Dream Message

The dream I had just before awakening was unusual for me, it was a message from Me to me. And the message was, "Look more closely at what pisses you off. Diagnosing why you are pissed from a 'higher' level is very valuable."

I awoke with much to do because we were en route to Oregon. It was the last day out and I was eager to get there. There was pet care to do, breakfast to eat, packing up the stuff in the motel room, carrying everything to the truck and loading it back up, getting the animals situated in their crates for the day's travel, refilling water bottles, and tidying the car before getting under the wheel to take my first driving shift.

All went smoothly and we were off. Being just across the river from Oregon, we were in familiar territory. I pulled left out of the motel parking lot, heading west on US 20. We had traveled the same route last year. But unlike last year, there were no road signs except for the one across from the motel. We drove around in circles, and the GPS navigating system was no help, only insisting we go back to the interstate where the motel was located. Finally, we came upon a gas station and Gene went in and asked for driving directions. We were directed to go back to the interstate, to take the interstate north two exits, and that would be US 20 West. Never mind about the highway sign at the motel. Never mind that last year we successfully followed that sign and others west through the town and across the state.

I did as Gene was directed driving east to return to the interstate, finding US 20 two exits north and then going west again. Something about that run around really annoyed me, triggering various emotions... sadness, irritability, defensiveness, suspiciousness, and I shut down, sleeping when not driving. It was hours later that I finally recognized that I was more than annoyed, I was "mad as hell!"

Anger is a no-no for me, I refuse to be around it. Anger terrifies me, whether it's anger in me or anger in another. The fear throws up a state of denial, and it takes me awhile to even admit it's presence. So what was I to do with this realization? What did the dream say? Figuring out the lesson of anger on a higher level would be invaluable.

So what does anger symbolize? Who was I angry at? In the 3-D world, I was angry at me for being lost, and wasting time in getting "home." How does that apply on a higher level? Am I not pissed at making the stupid choice to entertain myself with the illusion of separation? Am I not also pissed at my foolishness, my stupidness, my willfulness, and my arrogance in that choice? Yes, I see I often think those judgmental thoughts about my Self.

And what did I learn today? I learned that even though I followed the same path as before, I became lost. And I learned that sometimes it is necessary to go back to square one, to actually allow myself to be guided in the opposite direction from the destination. The first step is in acknowledging, "I do not know the way." The next step is in trusting the Guidance and following it.

And I also learned some compassion for Self. Just maybe that choice to play in the illusion was just as innocent as today's choice to follow a former pattern. Maybe it wasn't a headstrong, willful act, but simply an error in judgment.

And maybe I dwell on the "why" of an issue, when "why" isn't really important anymore. Maybe what's important now is following the Guidance to get back on track, to wake up and remember Who I am and where I am, REALLY... Love from LOVE at home in the heart of God, and dreaming an impossible dream of separation. But every time I break an old pattern, and love instead of judging, it proves I'm waking up. And that realization is worth driving in circles any day!


peace

Bull in the Stress Arena

Do you ever watch yourself? It's informative. Lately, I've been watching myself perform in the Stress Arena. The Stress Arena is a little bit like a bull fighting arena... a LOT of bull to dodge! Currently I'm fighting two bulls in my Stress Arena: "Beating-a-deadline" and "Doing-it-perfectly." Later in the week I'll likely be fighting "Too-much-to-do." The Stress Arena is all about who I think I am.

Last week I watched someone I love fight the "I'm-responsible" bull in her Stress Arena. I have fought that bull frequently myself, so found the supportive words that slipped from my mouth most interesting . Isn't it amazing how wise we can sound when someone else is fighting the bull?

The "I'm-responsible" bull seems much more threatening in the Stress Arena than some other bulls; because in the Stress Arena, we think we're in charge and in control. That is especially significant when fighting the "I'm-responsible" bull, and its frequent companion, "Savior" bull, which hides in and attacks from the shadows.

Like my dear friend in the Stress Arena, I sometimes think I'm responsible and can save somebody, or the doctor can save somebody, or the 9-1-1 EMT person can save somebody, or the fireman can save somebody, or the person who does the Heimlich maneuver can save somebody. What I've come to recognize is that none of these saves anybody. Who saves then? There was a time when I thought that it was God who saves somebody, but no longer.

When I was eight years old, I delighted in dressing up in my aunt's very fancy evening dresses and pretending I was going out to party. I now see that childhood pretending is symbolic of the bigger game of pretending I continue to play everyday... pretending to be a body and in control, pretending I didn't make up this imaginary fictional play titled 3-D Living, pretending I'm not the author but a character in this particular chapter, and pretending that I don't know that the character enters the stage at my cue and exits the same, with many "close calls" in between.

God cannot be involved in my fantasy of separateness, duality, life and death, love and hate, answering some prayers and not others, allowing some to suffer, and others to cause it. Love cannot respond so capriciously, and still be Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient Love. 3-D Living is my dream of impossible separateness, not God's creation. Thank God for that! All that is required to resolve all the problems of 3-D Living is for the author to wake up.

As for saving some body? Only the author's choosing to listen to the ever present whisperings of Truth/Memory can do that. And when I watch 3-D Living, as well as act in it, I will know the author part of me is listening, because more and more the character I call me will be spontaneously loving and peaceful. And one baby step after another, the author and the character together will gradually fade into the Light of the reality of Who I am and Where I am... Love dwelling in the Heaven of Oneness which is the Heart of God.

Peace -

A Cynic

Oh, my god! I'm a cynic! That's quite an admission, coming on the heals of the earlier post on opinions and beliefs. Now how am I going to deal with this realization? Well, let's make a list of aud's hottest issues and look for a common theme:
- pharmaceutical companies... it's about profits not healing the sick.
- U.S penal system... forget about rehabilitation, just punish the bastards.
- credit card companies... legal entrapment
- politicians... not the white hats, rather the big hats.
- medical doctors... conveyor belt care
- organized religion... the blind leading the blind

So what's the burr under my saddle? On the surface it appears that the issue is deception, organized groups claiming to be helping others when the hidden agenda is to help themselves. But there's a deeper issue that makes me livid... lack of compassion, a cold heart.

OK, so I need to own the stuff. These are my issues after all, they are my mirrors. So what is MY hidden agenda? The thought that instantly pops into my mind is "to over throw God." Whooooa!

But is it actually possible to over throw God, to have a separate will outside of God's Will? Where is "outside" when God is Omnipresence? The only place "outside" can be, is in a figment of my imagination, which momentarily projects a reflection of existence, a fantasy not a reality.

The projection is a natural consequence of a broken sense of identity (believing I am an independent will). A broken sense of identity projects "broken" images. And in this case, the projection imaged is groups of self serving entities. Their brokenness is not their fault, it's my projection. And my reflections have no free will, they dance to the tune of my beliefs.

Again, my belief is that I "can over throw God," and thereby, claim a will of my own. Yet, it's not possible to over throw Omnipresence. It can be imagined but not real. The effects of such fantasy are to totally lose my reality. I forget I am love. My projections can only image what I believe I am. And without love, the images have no heart. Their lack of compassion, their cold heart is a natural consequence. It's not their fault. These group entities can be no better than my forgetfulness.

Now, I can forgive these groups their hidden agendas and their lack of compassion. They are not at fault. And my forgiveness coupled with understanding, stirs and awakens the compassion and love within me. Ahhhhh, I have found That which was lost, Love, my True Self.

I feel the reality of it... I am Love, and I am BIG. Unbelievable, those once contemptible groups were my way back to my Self? What can I be now, but grateful? Thank you. Peace -

Opinions & Beliefs

My husband says, "That's the way the world is, that's what people do, argue about beliefs and opinions." His comment was in response to my observation about the futility of arguing. After all, one is never going to convince another... "Of course, you're right and I'm wrong." Minds are changed only from within, and generally only after considerable inner struggle. Externally, a person may be coerced or forced into a different behavior suggesting a change of mind, but that does not mean the belief has shifted, only that the survival mode has kicked in.

Why do we so adamantly defend our beliefs? Most of us unconsciously equate our identity with our belief system. We form our relationships, our tribes, and our allies based on common beliefs. Our conversations are focused on our opinions and what we believe to be true. And woe to anyone who does not agree. Our beliefs draw the line in the sand, where it's us against all the others who hold different beliefs about an issue of value.

But, am I my beliefs and opinions? Well, does God have beliefs and opinions? By definition, Omniscience is to be all knowing, and Knowingness excludes the need for either belief or opinion. Both are tools of duality, not Oneness. I am not my beliefs and opinions, for my Existence preceded them both. However, the consequence of pretending to be less than Created, is to also seem to be less than total Knowingness. And this "less than" state of mind is the state where opinions grow up and become beliefs. But no amount of pretending is ever going to make any opinion or belief better than another or more real. They are simply entertaining fantasies.

People are going to argue because their differing beliefs project corresponding perceptions. Perceptions are subjective, not objective. We see what we want to see to support the beliefs we hold valuable. So it is understandable why one person cannot see things as another person does. Perceptions are belief based.

Personally, there are a number of things that I have no opinion about. How is that possible? Firstly, I see differing perceptions about the issue and one perception appears to be just as valid as the other perception. When I hear two people arguing, I understand that both views are reasonable, given the vantage point from which each is looking. Secondly, holding an opinion one way or the other seems irrelevant, because my having an opinion is not going to change anything, except my peace of mind.

I used to feel stupid for not having an opinion. Now, I just feel relieved to have one less monkey chattering in my head. Opinions are burdensome, keeping me in my head and out of my heart, making me judgmental and unloving.

As for the opinions I do have, and those which have grown up to become my beliefs, I'm beginning to take them less seriously. I do not want to use them to shut me away from the others who are part of my Self. So I am beginning to regard my beliefs as my toys.

I play with my toys and you play with your toys. If your toys are kind of like mine, that's cool. If your toys are different than mine, that's interesting, too. Can you threaten me with your toys? You can certainly try. But if I remember that my Existence is invulnerable and precedes all toys, why should I be concerned?

The "me" that plays with the belief-toys, the "me" that is both you and me, the "me" that is so engrossed in playing that we have forgotten the real Me, will one day wake up to the realization that these toys are not actually any fun. And we will lay them aside.

Will we? Will we all lay aside our divisive thinking one day, and return to the awareness of Oneness. I am absolutely certain of it. And isn't that certainty also a belief? Yes, it is. And it is one of those beliefs that I still enjoy and will keep, until it is replaced by the Omniscience of Truth. Because for now, it is a toy that tweaks my inner happiness, kindles my loving nature, and feeds my peace.

Blessings -

Repost: Choice & Andy Mackie (1st post lost)

On any given evening you'll probably find Andy Mackie in the village tavern, until he retires to sleep in his home, an older camper parked on the edge of town. He'll likely be dressed in worn bluejeans, cotton shirt, and a cap, and he'll smile at you if he can catch your eye, his toothless grin wrinkling his face from jaw to brow. To some he may appear to be a "jewel in the rough," but to me he's brilliantly cut and polished, an inspiration and a role model.


Andy's story was related on the CBS evening news with Katie Couric in a regular feature called Assignment America with Steve Hartman. I invite you to watch the clip and then return here to share some thoughts.


http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4986809n


This is a verse in the song titled The Rose: "It's the one afraid of dying who never learns to live." Andy shows me how he faced the fear of death. In my mind I can hear Andy think my thoughts, "Oh, screw it! Living on all these pills with their side effects is not living. I'd rather have just one good day than continue with one miserable day after another."


So, instead of refilling his prescriptions, Andy spends the money on harmonicas. Then he gives the harmonicas away, along with lessons. I believe that every time he gives away an harmonica, Andy feels a rush of freedom... freedom from the fear of death, BECAUSE he is experiencing his true eternal Self, Love.


What led Andy to make that choice for freedom? From my reference point, Andy didn't make that choice.... the higher mind made that choice, from a level unconscious to the physical level. It's the higher mind that we all share. We are literally, all in this together.


Even though there is the appearance of such, I do not believe that choices are actually made by individual human minds. Why? Because if they were, some of us would become lost in an eternity of wrong choices, as if within a maze of hell. Could such a destiny be allowed within Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient LOVE? No, not and still be LOVE.


I understand that there appears to be abundant evidence of a lot of choices being made by the humans in this world, choices made from the human conscious level, some helpful and some not. But, just for a few minutes, can you entertain the idea that what you are seeing is actually an image, a repetitive reflection of one choice made at a higher mental level?


At the level of the actual choice, the choice was never to suffer. Any suffering seen in the reflection is a byproduct of the choice, not the choice itself. And on that higher mental level, we think that the choice is worth the consequences of the byproduct, because the choice is for "difference."


"Difference" gives us a sense of specialness, uniqueness, individuality. This sense of "difference" is consciousness, the experience of my being different from another. And this experience is one of duality. Yet, within Omnipresent LOVE, there is Oneness not duality, and no concept of "difference." LOVE IS LOVE.... LOVE IS!


LOVE cannot even BE mocked. In the higher mind, any effect of the momentary focus on the concept of "difference" is automatically instantly nullified by the Memory of LOVE's nature, which is Oneness. Not only is "difference" and its effect, duality, nullified; but Memory also answers the question of "Why?"


Why can't "difference" and duality be possible? Because Omnipotent Oneness cannot be split into duality and still be Oneness. And how was that fact revealed to the aspect of questioning mind? The hypothetical state of duality was projected into a dream like state of contrasting differences and opposites... up-down, in-out, day-night, big-little, here-there, now-then, joy-pain, love-fear, etc.-etc. And in every dream scene, Memory's Voice was present, reminding the dreamer that dreams of being different from everything else are not real, because duality is not actually possible. Yet, because dreams seem to be real to the dreamer, Memory's Voice reminds the dreamer that waking will allow the dream to disappear, and simultaneously the dreamer will realize that Oneness was never exited. The journey into duality was/is an illusion.


We are still within the Oneness, watching an imaginary dream landscape so intently that we identify with some of the dream characters, even to the point of getting lost in them. At this level of higher mind, we are enthralled with the illusion of "difference," and choose again and again to submerge ourselves into the impossible dream state rather than to be what we truly are, Love from Love in Love. As dreamers we venture into illusory streams of individual consciousness and coincidentally die to the awareness of our Real Self.


Fortunately, the inner whisperings of Truth by the Memory of Love can wake us up to our Real Self as we stuporously drift along. Our higher level choice is always this : Choose "difference" and continue the dream of the lost Self. Or, choose to identify with the Voice of Memory and remember the True Self. "Difference" can take the form of judgment, defensiveness, resentment, aloofness, fear, anger, etc. The Voice of Memory can take the form of peace, compassion, love, strength, enclosure, acceptance, and all other reflections of Love, the True Self.

Remembering the True Self is the key to waking from the dream state. We will know which choice was made by observing the dream characters, most importantly the character I call my self. If the dream characters portray Love, I've chosen to heed the Memory from above. If the dream characters portray fear, I've chosen once again not to hear.


The story of Andy Mackie is in my dream, our dream. And when he says, "I don't think Bill Gates feels any richer inside than I do," he speaks for me, too. For rich, indeed, is the one who remembers through the experience of loving, that the Self is Love. And remembering can only occur within the dream. Only Love can witness to it Self.

You and I both witnessed and were touched by Love, as personified by Andy Mackie. I am remembering, and so are you. I am waking, and so are you, and so is Andy Mackie. But Andy Mackie, you, and I are not the characters in this dream, we are the dreamer of the dream, the dreamer who is choosing to listen to the Inner Voice both inside and outside of the dream; the dreamer who is remembering... by experiencing our one Self, Love.


LOVE is what we are. Yes, LOVE is what we are.

Road Sign

Don't you love it when you get a glimpse of your own progress, an affirmation that you really ARE waking up? I was recently so gifted.

My husband is a "mover and a shaker." In contrast, I "pool and flow." He tactfully pushes and motivates and maneuvers and negotiates his way to his goal. I solicit, sit with, question, listen, resonate with, and respond to inner urgings of what to do and when to do it.

Last spring I felt moved to solicit our homeowners association for getting some landscape maintenance done in the common area adjacent to our home. I consulted neighbors, wrote a letter to the Board of Directors, hand delivered it to the President of the Board, expressed a willingness to contribute funds to accomplish the job, and personally took the President to the site to clarify what I was asking for. That done, I released it. I am not under the illusion that I have control. AND I trust that whatever the Board's decision, in the bigger picture, it will be in my/our best interest, whether it looks like it or not.

I learned that my letter was presented at the Board meeting in April and one member was appointed to gather data to present at the next board meeting in order for them to make an informed decision. The May meeting, the meeting of decision, will be next Tuesday.

On Friday my husband phoned me from work, wanting me to call the Board President to ascertain the findings of the research and the mood of the Board, and to reiterate my/our willingness to negotiate... all as a stimulus to rule in favor of my request at the upcoming meeting. I refused, saying I did not feel comfortable doing so. What followed were several minutes of his explaining why I should, and my explaining why I wouldn't. The conversation concluded with his recommendation that I rethink my decision. I did... for about five seconds, and there was no inner shift.

However, as I went about my activities after our phone conversation, I observed some of the other thoughts that drifted through my mind. And I discovered that I felt considerable compassion for my husband. After all, it can't be easy bridging his two lives, the one at the office and the one at home.

My husband is greatly respected in his professional world for his insight, understanding, tact, getting things done, and inspiring others to get things done. In my mind he's like a modern day cattle driver, getting the herd to where they need to be for the best grazing. At home it's a different story... the cattle driver is without a horse.

He told me once that getting me to do something was like trying to push a rope. I understand how that could be true. And trying to get one step ahead of my thought process has got to be challenging to say the least, especially given that my thought process is rarely verbalized.

The more I mulled all of this over, the softer my heart felt towards my husband. And when he came home from work, I spontaneously kissed him in welcome. He was taken by surprise; and commented that after our earlier phone conversation, he expected me to be pissed.

It was only THEN that I realized how far I have come. Because not so long ago, I would have been pissed. Resentment, anger, and a silent litany of "should have-s" and "shouldn't have-s" would have surged through my mind as inner attacks that always wounded me more deeply than him. But last Friday, I didn't attack. I forgave. And the beauty of it was that it was spontaneous.

A Course In Miracles defines forgiveness as a shift in perception that propels one to love rather than to attack. It is that expression of love that rekindles the memory of Identity... I am Love. There is no comparison about which feels more joyful, attacking or loving. And it is obvious which of the two, attacking or loving, promotes a more peaceful mind. Perhaps the mind is peaceful because it is at home in Love.

I have committed my self to this path, the path of Forgiveness. Why? Because I want to wake up... wake up to What I truly am and Where I truly am. And what I am discovering in the process is that this path is actually more loving to me. Love for the other, love for me. What a deal!

Sickness

I had never heard of the swine flu before last week. This new strain of flu appeared to spring out of nowhere into the heart of Mexico, resulting in the deaths of 80 plus and growing. Then within hours the virus was found in a number of random US states, followed by Canada, and now Europe.

Am I the only one who finds this rapid spread bazaar? How do health officials account for the faster than lightening-speed in which this virus has encircled the globe? They can't explain it.

Why isn't someone asking, "Is there something about illness, or even disease, that we've overlooked until now? Something we've not understood, that this rapid spread of swine flu is revealing?"

What I see happening would not be, perhaps could not even be, accepted by such authorities or even 99.9% of humanity. I do not see this illness spreading person to person, nose to nose, or even in the circulating air currents. I see the swine flu spreading by way of the mind; not as a fearful thought, for almost all of us who become fearful of it, will not even experience the flu.

We are manifesting the swine flu from a mental level, a mental level much higher than on the level of personal mind. The thoughts that run through my personal mind are insignificant, no more powerful than the clouds that float by in the sky. It's what I believe about those clouds/thoughts that make the difference. I can enjoy the clouds/thoughts, be oblivious to them, or be afraid of them; it simply hinges upon my interpretation of their meaning.

It is not the actual individual fear thoughts that are manifesting this virus. It's bigger than that. This manifestation comes from the level of our "one mind," the level of higher mind that we all share. It is at a level where the choice has been made to experience individuality... to split off a segment of our one Divine Mind and break it up into little mind fragments. Why? Curiosity maybe, it was just an idea that got out of hand.

Mind could be symbolized as being one big beautiful mirror. As a consequence of that idea of separation, over in one corner of the great mirror there appears to be a very tiny shattered area. Those shattered pieces represent our individualized minds. They aren't really the problem. The problem is the belief that the big beautiful mirror, representing the Omnipotent Mind of God, could ever be fragmented in any way, becoming individualized in little sections, and apart from the One, and apart from each other, too. We can believe anything, justify it by any number of "proofs," but that does not make the belief true.

Blinded by that belief of being apart, we looked at a shattered self: "Oops! We split Oneness into two-ness. Not only did we destroy Oneness to make this two-ness, this two-ness is a mess! " And the problem has continued down through the ages, because we have failed to question the belief in apartness. But not any more!

Is it even possible for OMNIPOTENT ONENESS, Divine Mind, to be split asunder by any little erroneous concept? Not to my reasoning. Then how do I account for the misunderstanding? I can't with any degree of absolutivity. But it makes sense to me that as the One Mind played with different concepts, as if mental toys, a tiny segment of Mind perceived apartness as being "apart from" rather than "apart of." Of course, that's not what really happened. But everything within me tells me that the problem, actually every problem from then on, began with one innocent error in perception.

So what does that have to do with the swine flu? A split mind is not a Natural state. And because it is not a Natural state it does not reflect truly. It images truly AND un-truly, it images duality, good and bad, innocent and guilty, etc. Playing in our production of duality or two-ness, we cannot help but feel guilty for destroying the Oneness to do so. And the mind that feels guilty consequentially projects guilt onto the screen of duality, making a movie of disease and disaster. The "bad" characters, spawned from projected guilt, appear to wage war with the "good" characters, the bodies that we identify as ourselves. But we are not those bodies, we are eternal Spirit, same as our Creator, only we have temporarily forgotten because we're functioning from a confused split mind.

So in this state of forgetfulness, what do we do as this war wages around us, the war of the swine flu virus against the human body's immune system? "Be in the world but not of it."

Yes, we inadvertently wrote the script of the war movie now playing out, and a few characters will perish, but almost all will not. Neither you nor I nor those we love ARE those characters. We have simply loved the characters and, therefore, identified with them. You and I and those we love are actually at another mental level watching our mess of a movie, mesmerized into forgetfulness. THE MOVIE HAS NO POWER IN ITSELF. Every character has a beginning and an end, lest we get totally hypnotized by it and never remember What we are.

There is a Still Small Voice for Love, our true Self, within our mind, that knows the truth about everything: that the Omnipotent One Mind cannot be divided, that we are stuck in a misperception, and that we cannot be less than as we were created. That Still Small Voice for Love within our mind, guides us through every dark movie and out into the light. Be not afraid of the movie, it has no power to do anything. Listen to the reassurance and guidance of the Still Small Voice for Love within you. Follow it. It remembers everything!

Forgiveness, a Gift

Within sixty seconds of opening my eyes this morning, I heard something that will surely impact me the rest of my life. Our call to a new day is a clock radio, tuned to the NPR station. And as I was coming into a state of wakefulness, it is amazing how quickly my mind began to pick up the ideas streaming from the radio and to kick-in to its job of interpreting those ideas.

Even before my eyelids lifted, I surmised that a talk show was being aired, and the guest was an author. The commentator, asked about the author's mother's death. The author replied that during her emergency surgery, his mother died on the operating table. And he added that he felt it was a blessing, as his mother would not have wanted to continue living with the consequences of the surgery.

"What were the last words that you had with your mother?" the commentator asked.

The author replied, "It was just before her surgery. She was in a comatose state. Standing by her bedside, I took her hand, leaned toward her ear, and told her I forgave her. She had done many hurtful things to me in her lifetime. We both knew that. But being the proud woman she was, she could never bring herself to apologize for them. I never heard her say 'I'm sorry' to anyone. And she could never have asked for my forgiveness, even on her deathbed. But I forgave her, for me as much as for her. I wanted us both to be free. And I hope that some day, when I'm dying, someone will do the same for me... tell me that I am forgiven of all the wrongs I committed throughout my life. "

Lying on my back, I still had not yet opened my eyes. Tear drops seeped through my eye lashes and trickled down toward my ears. I knew that I had just heard a message meant for me.

What greater gift can I receive at the conclusion of this earthly journey than forgiveness for my lifetime of errors? Forgiveness for hurtful things I've said and done, intentional and unintentional. Forgiveness for things I could have done to help another and didn't do, because I didn't want to or because I was clueless.

The beautiful thing about forgiveness is that it is a gift for any moment, not just special occasions like counseling sessions, church, or deathbed scenes. We can ask for forgiveness any time along the way.

Forgiveness may be the greatest gift possible on this planet, greater even than the gift of birth. It is the gift that exponentially blesses and frees the receiver and the giver. Forgiveness is the open door to change everything, forever, for both. Forgiveness occurs in a simple moment of choice in the giver's mind, and that choice is between forgiveness and freedom on the one hand, or the poison of judgment and resentment on the other hand. And whichever I choose remains in my mind.

So, I ask you, you reading this post, will you please forgive me? I'm serious here. For every stupid thing or hurtful thing, that I have ever done to you or said to you or that you are even aware of my doing, please forgive me. For every disappointment I have caused you, please forgive me. For every thought of me that has ever caused you any feeling less than joy or peace, please forgive me.

Please do not let your knee-jerk-denial get in the way here... thinking, "But I have nothing to forgive you for." We all share the same ego mind which is enmeshed in duality thinking, we all have loving and unloving thoughts about one another. Please, will you forgive me my unloving thoughts? All I ask from you is three little words... I forgive you.

Pain

I awoke this morning with a full blown migraine: severe headache, draining sinuses, intense nausea, diarrhea, sound intolerance, and light sensitivity. I've been here many times, and know that nothing will calm the body's tumultuous storms at this stage. It's like being in the path of my own personal hurricane.

But today, the migraine ride had some new scenery as my mind went different places than usual. Aud seemed a little less enmeshed in the journey, and was a little more objective. At one point, her old inner nurse came forward and asked to have the headache graded on the pain scale, 1 being "barely perceptible" to 10 being "better off dead." Even in the throes of the storm, I was amused at her drama. I ranked it 8. I heard nothing more from her, apparently because no heroic measures were needed for an 8.

In the past I have tried affirmations, visualizations, prayer, denial, spiritual reasoning, becoming one with the pain, floating on top of the pain, and various metaphysical techniques to escape migraine misery. Today, during the storm, I found myself bouncing back and forth from observer to victim to commentator of the unfolding story. One thing was apparent, my mind is becoming more ingrained with the principles of A Course In Miracles.

At one point as I held my throbbing head between my palms, I silently uttered, "Oh, dear God." And this thought popped into my awareness: "This is my projection of suffering, my dream, not God's." Immediately, I forgave my body for doing my bidding, and I called upon Jesus to help me remember that I'm still as God created me.

Then the inner commentator offered these thoughts: "There was a time when she did all she could to just make it stop hurting. But today, instead of reaching for a remedy, she reaches for... enlightenment! Did she make it?" Instantaneously, a responsive thought arose in my mind: "Enlightenment does not guarantee the script will change. Some times it has to play out. " And from another corner of my mind came an awareness, an awareness that "death is mental, not physical. The physical level does nothing but mirror a mental decision."

Like every storm, after several hours this one passed, too. I am in the aftermath now, assessing what has been gained. And I am still ruminating on "death is mental, a mental decision."

I chose death.... I chose death?... I chose death... meaning, I chose death over Life. Meaning, I chose the birth & death of individuality rather than the eternal Life of God's Oneness. How is that possible? Do I even have the capacity to deny eternal Life?

No, I do not have the power to overpower Omnipotence... eternal Life is! But I can imagine that I have that power, and what a hell of an imaginative ride that can be! I can imagine that I split off from the Oneness that is God, and pretend I am a super-duper individuation, off doing my own thing. Fantasy does come with a price, however. When I pretend too convincingly, I can forget Who and What I am. And in the depths of my dreaming, I am asleep to my own Reality.

Thank You, God, that I cannot leave You. Thank You that Your Memory whispers to me, persistently, gently, lovingly, "Wake up, Beloved, it's just a dream. You're still here, and nothing has changed." Peace.

WELCOME

Welcome to my heart. What I share here is my process, my mystic seasoned thoughts on the pathway home. And what is home? Home is a tranquil mind that gently pulses with eternal peace and love, no matter what. Welcome to my journey, and it can become yours, too.