Road Sign

Don't you love it when you get a glimpse of your own progress, an affirmation that you really ARE waking up? I was recently so gifted.

My husband is a "mover and a shaker." In contrast, I "pool and flow." He tactfully pushes and motivates and maneuvers and negotiates his way to his goal. I solicit, sit with, question, listen, resonate with, and respond to inner urgings of what to do and when to do it.

Last spring I felt moved to solicit our homeowners association for getting some landscape maintenance done in the common area adjacent to our home. I consulted neighbors, wrote a letter to the Board of Directors, hand delivered it to the President of the Board, expressed a willingness to contribute funds to accomplish the job, and personally took the President to the site to clarify what I was asking for. That done, I released it. I am not under the illusion that I have control. AND I trust that whatever the Board's decision, in the bigger picture, it will be in my/our best interest, whether it looks like it or not.

I learned that my letter was presented at the Board meeting in April and one member was appointed to gather data to present at the next board meeting in order for them to make an informed decision. The May meeting, the meeting of decision, will be next Tuesday.

On Friday my husband phoned me from work, wanting me to call the Board President to ascertain the findings of the research and the mood of the Board, and to reiterate my/our willingness to negotiate... all as a stimulus to rule in favor of my request at the upcoming meeting. I refused, saying I did not feel comfortable doing so. What followed were several minutes of his explaining why I should, and my explaining why I wouldn't. The conversation concluded with his recommendation that I rethink my decision. I did... for about five seconds, and there was no inner shift.

However, as I went about my activities after our phone conversation, I observed some of the other thoughts that drifted through my mind. And I discovered that I felt considerable compassion for my husband. After all, it can't be easy bridging his two lives, the one at the office and the one at home.

My husband is greatly respected in his professional world for his insight, understanding, tact, getting things done, and inspiring others to get things done. In my mind he's like a modern day cattle driver, getting the herd to where they need to be for the best grazing. At home it's a different story... the cattle driver is without a horse.

He told me once that getting me to do something was like trying to push a rope. I understand how that could be true. And trying to get one step ahead of my thought process has got to be challenging to say the least, especially given that my thought process is rarely verbalized.

The more I mulled all of this over, the softer my heart felt towards my husband. And when he came home from work, I spontaneously kissed him in welcome. He was taken by surprise; and commented that after our earlier phone conversation, he expected me to be pissed.

It was only THEN that I realized how far I have come. Because not so long ago, I would have been pissed. Resentment, anger, and a silent litany of "should have-s" and "shouldn't have-s" would have surged through my mind as inner attacks that always wounded me more deeply than him. But last Friday, I didn't attack. I forgave. And the beauty of it was that it was spontaneous.

A Course In Miracles defines forgiveness as a shift in perception that propels one to love rather than to attack. It is that expression of love that rekindles the memory of Identity... I am Love. There is no comparison about which feels more joyful, attacking or loving. And it is obvious which of the two, attacking or loving, promotes a more peaceful mind. Perhaps the mind is peaceful because it is at home in Love.

I have committed my self to this path, the path of Forgiveness. Why? Because I want to wake up... wake up to What I truly am and Where I truly am. And what I am discovering in the process is that this path is actually more loving to me. Love for the other, love for me. What a deal!