Pain

I awoke this morning with a full blown migraine: severe headache, draining sinuses, intense nausea, diarrhea, sound intolerance, and light sensitivity. I've been here many times, and know that nothing will calm the body's tumultuous storms at this stage. It's like being in the path of my own personal hurricane.

But today, the migraine ride had some new scenery as my mind went different places than usual. Aud seemed a little less enmeshed in the journey, and was a little more objective. At one point, her old inner nurse came forward and asked to have the headache graded on the pain scale, 1 being "barely perceptible" to 10 being "better off dead." Even in the throes of the storm, I was amused at her drama. I ranked it 8. I heard nothing more from her, apparently because no heroic measures were needed for an 8.

In the past I have tried affirmations, visualizations, prayer, denial, spiritual reasoning, becoming one with the pain, floating on top of the pain, and various metaphysical techniques to escape migraine misery. Today, during the storm, I found myself bouncing back and forth from observer to victim to commentator of the unfolding story. One thing was apparent, my mind is becoming more ingrained with the principles of A Course In Miracles.

At one point as I held my throbbing head between my palms, I silently uttered, "Oh, dear God." And this thought popped into my awareness: "This is my projection of suffering, my dream, not God's." Immediately, I forgave my body for doing my bidding, and I called upon Jesus to help me remember that I'm still as God created me.

Then the inner commentator offered these thoughts: "There was a time when she did all she could to just make it stop hurting. But today, instead of reaching for a remedy, she reaches for... enlightenment! Did she make it?" Instantaneously, a responsive thought arose in my mind: "Enlightenment does not guarantee the script will change. Some times it has to play out. " And from another corner of my mind came an awareness, an awareness that "death is mental, not physical. The physical level does nothing but mirror a mental decision."

Like every storm, after several hours this one passed, too. I am in the aftermath now, assessing what has been gained. And I am still ruminating on "death is mental, a mental decision."

I chose death.... I chose death?... I chose death... meaning, I chose death over Life. Meaning, I chose the birth & death of individuality rather than the eternal Life of God's Oneness. How is that possible? Do I even have the capacity to deny eternal Life?

No, I do not have the power to overpower Omnipotence... eternal Life is! But I can imagine that I have that power, and what a hell of an imaginative ride that can be! I can imagine that I split off from the Oneness that is God, and pretend I am a super-duper individuation, off doing my own thing. Fantasy does come with a price, however. When I pretend too convincingly, I can forget Who and What I am. And in the depths of my dreaming, I am asleep to my own Reality.

Thank You, God, that I cannot leave You. Thank You that Your Memory whispers to me, persistently, gently, lovingly, "Wake up, Beloved, it's just a dream. You're still here, and nothing has changed." Peace.