The Course says, "You're never upset for the reason you think." I became upset today, and through it realized that my upset had three levels of "reality": 1-the level of the experience or physical level, 2-the level of what was going on within me or the mental-emotional level, and 3-the level of metaphysics or the spiritual level. Traveling through these three levels is a journey I make with every challenge I encounter.
The event: I went to see Sioux today. She was waiting at the gate and whinnied when I approached. My assumption was that she was waiting for someone to feed her, although feeding time was long past. To get her out of her pasture, I had to lead her through another mare's lot, and that went well. While she was eating the grain I had brought, I groomed her, and then started to take her back to her pasture. Going through the mare's lot again, I realized by Sioux's excited behavior when the mare approached that Sioux was in heat. [Ah-ha! That was why she had been waiting at the gate.] When I chased the mare away, Sioux became agitated with my holding her back and gave a side kick, connecting with my upper right thigh. I did not realize I was even in her kicking range so was totally taken by surprise. Reflexively, I whacked her on the neck with the lead rope which did little more than get her attention. We continued on to her gate, and getting her back into her pasture went smoothly.
Later, as I was driving home and the stinging of my thigh had subsided, the surprise began to give way to anger. Did she intend to kick me or was it just a reflex? No, she was aiming for me. With that realization came a hot flash... the kind of hot flash I'd seen in my dad when he lost control with the livestock... the kind of hot flash which would fuel some cruel and scary behavior.
In that moment, I understood him at a cellular level like I'd never before. I understood his need to feel in control of the animals, to be safe... the need to have boundaries respected, by fear if necessary. That was what I had wanted too, to regain control, by whatever means necessary.
But what does that need for control represent? When I am still, and allow the inner Light to clear my mind, I see that control issues are all the same... safety issues. The bottom line is survival. It's my bottom line just as it was my dad's bottom line. But is that the truth? Can survival be at risk?
The physical body's survival isn't at risk, it's doomed. Every one of them is going to die, sooner or later. The good news is that neither my dad, nor I, nor you, nor the ones we love are physical bodies. What we truly are cannot be threatened by anything. What we are is invulnerable. As expressions of Spirit/Love, we must also be Spirit/Love.
A kick on the leg or a kick in the butt, it's a wake up call for me. Stop thinking of myself and others as being bodies. We're Spirit. We're One Spirit having this holographic experience. And I am remembering that... every time I don't react, every time I forgive or understand rather than judge, and every time I look for the bigger meaning. All of these are expressions of love. And that is how I remember we are Love, by living It. Peace.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Dream Message
The dream I had just before awakening was unusual for me, it was a message from Me to me. And the message was, "Look more closely at what pisses you off. Diagnosing why you are pissed from a 'higher' level is very valuable."
I awoke with much to do because we were en route to Oregon. It was the last day out and I was eager to get there. There was pet care to do, breakfast to eat, packing up the stuff in the motel room, carrying everything to the truck and loading it back up, getting the animals situated in their crates for the day's travel, refilling water bottles, and tidying the car before getting under the wheel to take my first driving shift.
All went smoothly and we were off. Being just across the river from Oregon, we were in familiar territory. I pulled left out of the motel parking lot, heading west on US 20. We had traveled the same route last year. But unlike last year, there were no road signs except for the one across from the motel. We drove around in circles, and the GPS navigating system was no help, only insisting we go back to the interstate where the motel was located. Finally, we came upon a gas station and Gene went in and asked for driving directions. We were directed to go back to the interstate, to take the interstate north two exits, and that would be US 20 West. Never mind about the highway sign at the motel. Never mind that last year we successfully followed that sign and others west through the town and across the state.
I did as Gene was directed driving east to return to the interstate, finding US 20 two exits north and then going west again. Something about that run around really annoyed me, triggering various emotions... sadness, irritability, defensiveness, suspiciousness, and I shut down, sleeping when not driving. It was hours later that I finally recognized that I was more than annoyed, I was "mad as hell!"
Anger is a no-no for me, I refuse to be around it. Anger terrifies me, whether it's anger in me or anger in another. The fear throws up a state of denial, and it takes me awhile to even admit it's presence. So what was I to do with this realization? What did the dream say? Figuring out the lesson of anger on a higher level would be invaluable.
So what does anger symbolize? Who was I angry at? In the 3-D world, I was angry at me for being lost, and wasting time in getting "home." How does that apply on a higher level? Am I not pissed at making the stupid choice to entertain myself with the illusion of separation? Am I not also pissed at my foolishness, my stupidness, my willfulness, and my arrogance in that choice? Yes, I see I often think those judgmental thoughts about my Self.
And what did I learn today? I learned that even though I followed the same path as before, I became lost. And I learned that sometimes it is necessary to go back to square one, to actually allow myself to be guided in the opposite direction from the destination. The first step is in acknowledging, "I do not know the way." The next step is in trusting the Guidance and following it.
And I also learned some compassion for Self. Just maybe that choice to play in the illusion was just as innocent as today's choice to follow a former pattern. Maybe it wasn't a headstrong, willful act, but simply an error in judgment.
And maybe I dwell on the "why" of an issue, when "why" isn't really important anymore. Maybe what's important now is following the Guidance to get back on track, to wake up and remember Who I am and where I am, REALLY... Love from LOVE at home in the heart of God, and dreaming an impossible dream of separation. But every time I break an old pattern, and love instead of judging, it proves I'm waking up. And that realization is worth driving in circles any day!
peace
I awoke with much to do because we were en route to Oregon. It was the last day out and I was eager to get there. There was pet care to do, breakfast to eat, packing up the stuff in the motel room, carrying everything to the truck and loading it back up, getting the animals situated in their crates for the day's travel, refilling water bottles, and tidying the car before getting under the wheel to take my first driving shift.
All went smoothly and we were off. Being just across the river from Oregon, we were in familiar territory. I pulled left out of the motel parking lot, heading west on US 20. We had traveled the same route last year. But unlike last year, there were no road signs except for the one across from the motel. We drove around in circles, and the GPS navigating system was no help, only insisting we go back to the interstate where the motel was located. Finally, we came upon a gas station and Gene went in and asked for driving directions. We were directed to go back to the interstate, to take the interstate north two exits, and that would be US 20 West. Never mind about the highway sign at the motel. Never mind that last year we successfully followed that sign and others west through the town and across the state.
I did as Gene was directed driving east to return to the interstate, finding US 20 two exits north and then going west again. Something about that run around really annoyed me, triggering various emotions... sadness, irritability, defensiveness, suspiciousness, and I shut down, sleeping when not driving. It was hours later that I finally recognized that I was more than annoyed, I was "mad as hell!"
Anger is a no-no for me, I refuse to be around it. Anger terrifies me, whether it's anger in me or anger in another. The fear throws up a state of denial, and it takes me awhile to even admit it's presence. So what was I to do with this realization? What did the dream say? Figuring out the lesson of anger on a higher level would be invaluable.
So what does anger symbolize? Who was I angry at? In the 3-D world, I was angry at me for being lost, and wasting time in getting "home." How does that apply on a higher level? Am I not pissed at making the stupid choice to entertain myself with the illusion of separation? Am I not also pissed at my foolishness, my stupidness, my willfulness, and my arrogance in that choice? Yes, I see I often think those judgmental thoughts about my Self.
And what did I learn today? I learned that even though I followed the same path as before, I became lost. And I learned that sometimes it is necessary to go back to square one, to actually allow myself to be guided in the opposite direction from the destination. The first step is in acknowledging, "I do not know the way." The next step is in trusting the Guidance and following it.
And I also learned some compassion for Self. Just maybe that choice to play in the illusion was just as innocent as today's choice to follow a former pattern. Maybe it wasn't a headstrong, willful act, but simply an error in judgment.
And maybe I dwell on the "why" of an issue, when "why" isn't really important anymore. Maybe what's important now is following the Guidance to get back on track, to wake up and remember Who I am and where I am, REALLY... Love from LOVE at home in the heart of God, and dreaming an impossible dream of separation. But every time I break an old pattern, and love instead of judging, it proves I'm waking up. And that realization is worth driving in circles any day!
peace
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