I awoke in the wee hours this morning with a migraine... got out of bed with terrible head pain,
diarrhea, nausea, the whole ball of wax. Perched on the throne, it came to me about
pain having a purpose, and to ask my body or whatever level would communicate with
me about the pain, "What are you trying to tell me?" So I asked, "What are you trying to tell
me?"
A memory came instantly of the time I was in a beauty
pageant (19 years old) and had gone to the store which had been assigned to
sponsor me, just to say "Thank you." [Pageant sponsors picked up the
cost of photo sessions and newspaper bios.] When I arrived the store manager
knew nothing about the sponsorship, but assumed it was a higher-up decision,
and was over the moon excited: "Let's start with finding you some clothes
for modeling." About 10 minutes
into this glorious reception, I realized I had gone to the wrong store! With GREAT embarrassment, I admitted
my mistake and made a hasty exit. [My
actual sponsor was a hardware store whose reaction to my thank you was a
dismissive "Yah, sure."]
Anyway, the point of the pop-up memory was... in recalling that event, I still felt that shame! But the message was an even bigger realization... I never REALLY forgive myself for making a mistake. So immediately, right there seated on the throne, I began doing The Work internally. During the process, another toxic belief came up so I moved on and worked with that one, too. And out of that process came another... it went on and on and on. I have no idea how many beliefs I confronted on the toilet this morning... many. And it ended with this one... "I'm afraid to die because I’m unworthy to be accepted by God." WOW! After completing The Work on all of these, the headache was diminished to a tolerable level, and I took a short nap propped up on the couch. I awoke still headachy, took an IBP with my small breakfast, then went back to bed and slept. Two hours later I awoke without a headache. Yaa!
I'm thinking the events of this morning are significant,
not the least of which is confronting the worthiness issue, as in the third
bough of this Lenten study. Not only am
I grateful for the opportunity for inner clearing, but I’m grateful that I accepted
the challenge to machete through the mental jungle to a clear space. Actually it feels like I’m retracing the path
back to God, a prodigal son sort of journey. Now I look forward to noticing new levels of tolerance
and compassion, not only for myself but for others as well.
Thanks, everyone, for sharing my journey, because it's ‘our’
journey, and it is one. I LOVE YOU!
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